New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
