I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
