he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
