Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
