Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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