i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
