just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
