Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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