I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
