If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
