I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
