There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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