I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
