No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
