so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Randomize
