things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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