I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
