How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
