things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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