Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you didnt know i had herpes?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think your dad took our porno
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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