i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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