Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
