Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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