He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
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Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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