Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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