im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well you can't waste a boner
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
