I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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