I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
