ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
