Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
