you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
