oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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