I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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