I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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