proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
