why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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