I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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