I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
