Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
