You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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