You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
