My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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