sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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