i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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