What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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