Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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