She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
