I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
