one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
