Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
