The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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