he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
