Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
