just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
