ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
