if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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