Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
