You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Enjoy the penises
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
