Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
