I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
