sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
