Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
